Boundaries
Creating boundaries is a common topic in therapy. We all know we need them, but few are sure when, why to create them or even how to use them. The most important point, I feel, about boundaries is that boundaries are about the person who is setting the boundary, not about the person or situation for which the boundary is created. Many clients tell me they set the boundary, but the situation or person continues to “cross” that boundary.
The question to my clients is always, what did you do when the boundary was crossed? Often, they will tell me they were mad, frustrated but continued in the situation not changing their behavior or response. Sometimes my clients clearly communicated and established their boundary and still the boundary is crossed. A boundary is a tool to obtain information. The information informs you of the health of the person or situation in which you are involved. When the other person responds to your boundary, you are provided information reflecting the health of the other person. If they responded to your boundary in a positive way then they are healthy and able to respect boundaries. If they ignore your boundary then they are telling you how unhealthy they are so maintaining the boundary will be up to you. Regardless of the response, you get to be the manager and keeper of your boundaries.
When setting a boundary define what value the boundary is protecting. Do you feel disrespected? Does the interaction involve a lack of integrity? Is there a part of the deal that isn’t honest? Focus on the personal value you are trying to protect. Create your boundary in response to protecting the defined value and then decide the action you will take to maintain the boundary. The application and fulfillment of boundaries are the responsibility of the boundary maker, not the boundary violator. Let me say it AGAIN, the application and fulfillment of boundaries are the responsibility of the boundary maker, not the boundary violator. Often, we point to the boundary violator or violation and place blame on their lack of ability to follow the boundary maker. Boundary violations are information that allows the boundary maker to choose to enforce the boundary and in turn confirm the defined value for which the boundary was created.
A fabulous book that can bring more clarity and understanding to boundaries is Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend. Cloud and Townsend walk through what boundaries are, examples of boundaries with various people and situations of life and then end with how to develop healthy boundaries. The book is easy to read with relatable examples. In addition, the writers have used Christian theology to demonstrate “the biblical nature of boundaries and how they operate in the character of God, his universe and his people”.
Cloud, H., & Townsend, J. (1992). Boundaries: When to say yes, how to say no to take control of your life. Zondervan.